I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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