Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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