i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
