I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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