I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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