Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
