A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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