woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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