I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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