Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
