Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
