I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
