Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
