I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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