Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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