Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
