I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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