I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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