john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
