Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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