I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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