The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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