i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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