My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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