Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
