i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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