the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
