i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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