True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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