dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
