I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
