I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
