things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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