insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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