I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
