I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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