Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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