I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
