I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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