oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
