seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
