Got a toothbrush?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
