why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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