My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
