***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
