if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
