U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
