did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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