we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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