I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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