We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
